New Year, New Thoughts

I've never been one for New Year's resolutions (good thing, because we're looking at the last week in January, and I've got nothing). This year, it seemed entirely overwhelming to think about intentional, positive change. Goals. Resolutions. Let's be honest, given the news just shared on our blog about the new baby, change is inevitable in 2010. I'll be happy if we manage to satisfactorily cope with raising two children simultaneously.

Additionally, I just try to survive day by day. I was recently asked by a prospective residency applicant's spouse what a typical week was like, intern year or otherwise. There really is none. Some rotations are SO time consuming for the resident that families fly solo much of the time. And others are slightly more flexible, with hours close to 9am-5pm. How's 7am-6:30pm? We try to take FULL advantage of these weeks. But the ups and downs get to a person. Particularly a pregnant person. 

So we enjoyed our holidays. Henry LOVED all the attention. I caught a glimpse of what life can feel like when I'm not the sole caregiver. I was able to go to the YMCA twice in one week, get a haircut, grocery shop by myself.... we both became spoiled. And I knew it would be hard to adjust to George's ugly OB schedule during January. We would have to learn, again, what life is like with "just the two of us" (or 2 and 1/2 of us?)! 

What I was unprepared for, however, was just how big of a let down it actually would be. We were in the thick of it. Post-holiday blues, in the bleak mid-winter (cabin fever & seasonal affective disorder), solo parenting frustration, and pregnancy issues (hormones and heartburn, a bad combo). Just when I thought I could climb to some higher ground, we've all caught horrible colds. Ugh. Sickness. 

In the midst of our struggle though, I have, on occasion, had more positive thoughts. I'd like to share.

This quote made me laugh.

Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.

~Jean Kerr

I'm so glad people are really excited for you when you tell them a new baby is on the way. It helps me become excited, too, despite nausea, heartburn, and fear of the unknown.

In the book Conversations with God, that I read quite some time ago, the author divides motivation of thought, feelings, and actions into two categories. Fear and Love.

I confess, I started out in the fear category for a while.

• I felt that we had hit such a groove with Henry. Life was good. We were confident in our skills to manage one child, public spaces, household chores, etc. So what were we thinking adding a variable to the equation when we'd just gotten things figured out?
• Henry went through a phase of not letting me hold another baby. In fact, it was a rather shocking and violent phase involving screaming "MY MOMMA", crying, and trying to knock the baby out of my arms. That's scary for a momma who knows that holding a newborn is central to caring for one.
• My greatest stumbling block was the thought that I would have to learn how to divide my attention and multiply my love. Wondering if I could ever do enough.
  

Recently, I've turned the corner and am actually looking forward to meeting a new family member.

• Thanks to other friends having second babies and coping just fine (in fact, adjusting with flying colors) I'm sure George and I will find a new groove. It may be a bumpy transition, but I'm hoping to find a smooth spot on occasion.
• Henry's phase of jealousy toward babies has developed into complete adoration for babies (we've been trying to read more books about new babies, which I think helped). Once he's had a chance to hold them and check out all body parts, he's a pretty assertive little lover. Plenty of hugs, kisses, and sharing of big trucks with them. He must really like them if he's willing to part with a big truck. I also learned through his interaction that second born babies are extremely tolerant of a little misguided sibling energy.
  
• As for multiplying love. Someone wisely reminded me that with the birth of a 2nd baby, a sibling relationship, entirely separate from the parent / child relationship, is also born. And it is a beautiful thing to watch unfold.